Zugenia's Procrastination Salon

It's that time of year again, ye scurvy dogs! In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day, I will be reading all of the internets through Sydd Souza's Pirate Speak Translator, and I encourage you to do so as well. I also urge all but the saltiest of sea-dogs to watch this instructional video before attempting any Talking Like a Pirate. You will learn, among other things, how to speak out of the thromborax, and why the correct grammatical construction is not "That there be a buxom wench" but "That there wench be buxom."

Ahoy!

Look, I don't care what the stick-up-the-butt critics say (A. O. Scott, I'm looking at you); if pirates vs. Kraken isn't the greatest thing ever, I don't know what is.

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What part of this does not equal awesome???

I do concede Z's point, however, that between Dead Man's Chest and King Kong, what with their reintroduction of the cannibalistic "native" as part of the formula for all-American blockbuster fun, he's "kind of nostalgic for political correctness."

Yesterday I read one of those rare books that defies reviewing, as its brilliance speaks for itself. All I have to do is mention the title—The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists—and, unless ye be a scurvy landlubber who has no idea what's great, you know what I'm talking about.

The book lives up to the promise of its title and then some. In fact, it is quite educational. I learned what "science is for" ("Pushing back frontiers! The thrill of discovery! Advancing the sum total of human knowledge and endeavor! And looking down ladies' tops"), how to "talk like a lady" ("...'and don't forget that ladies speak in squeaky voices. Like this—"Hello, I'm a lady!"' / Everybody laughed at the Pirate Captain's brilliant impression of what a lady sounded like"), that making a bouncy castle by sticking a bunch of jellyfish together doesn't work as well as you might think, that there is a fine line between an "evil moustache" and a "gay moustache," that it's best to avoid telling personal anecdotes involving big buckets of wee when trying to pick up pretty girls at the circus, how to cook a monkey like a turkey, and that pirates really, really like ham.

But like I said, the text speaks for itself. To wit:

After a brief encounter with some lovely but black-hearted lady pirates, the pirate boat finally arrived in the sleepy seaside town of Littlehampton, on the south coast of England. Houses were still cheap there, compared to London prices, but of course there was always the risk of flooding. The beach was pretty good, and there was a lot of that seaweed that looks like brains lying about. A couple of the pirates did impressions of the zombie pirates and said, "Brains! Feed me brains!" and pretended to stuff the seaweed into their mouths.

There's also an anachronistic cameo by the Elephant Man, who, after trying unsuccessfully to educate the audience of the circus freak show about his medical condition, simply does "a little ungainly jig" while singing:

I look like some ex-pe-ri-ment!
But please believe me I'm a proper gent!
I seem like a monster, but whatcha don't know is,
I got a scorching case of neurofibromatosis!

So, yes, read it. You'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll be better than CATS. Aarrrr.

Apparently some twisted tardbag stole a baby penguin from an English zoo.

Baby penguin to tardbag: "Who you callin' jackass, jackass?"

Police said Thursday they feared the worst for a baby penguin whose plight has prompted headlines around the world after he was stolen from a British zoo five days ago.

Toga, a three-month-old Jackass penguin, was snatched on Saturday night from the Amazon World zoo on the Isle of Wight, off the south coast of England.

Zoo managers think he might have been stolen as a Christmas present by thieves inspired by the hit documentary film "March of the Penguins."

But they warned that unless the brown and white colored Toga was swiftly returned, he would die.

This is so sad I can't even bring myself to joke about the stunning fact that there is such a thing as a "Jackass penguin."

In less depressing news, I made a quick run back to Philly yesterday to pick up some things from my apartment (student papers, books, several pairs of Potential Interview Shoes) and found a flurry of lovely Christmas (and other holiday) cards in my mailbox. Thank you, card-senders from around the world! And a big thank you to all my LJ friends for being an essential part of this enormous, eventful past year. I never imagined, when I started a LiveJournal last January, that I was embarking on a series of important friendships.

Okay, here's why I shouldn't get sentimental while typing and eating lunch at the same time: I just spilled couscous all over my computer. Fuck.

Final note: Today's soundtrack thoughtfully provided by the magnificent madame_urushiol, who sent me a CD of pirate shanties by singing outfit The Jolly Rogers. Cutlass, Cannon and Curves gives "bootylicious" a whole new meaning.

It's National Talk Like a Pirate Day!

If ye be a scurvy landlubber, you may need to consult The Pirate Glossary.

Here's my pirate name for today. It's no Madame Lai, but it's still pretty good:



Now go plunder the Pirate Store at 826 Valencia!

Before you do anything else today, you must go read the NYTimes review of Marlon Brando's Chinese lady-pirate novel, Fan-Tan. Then perhaps you, too, will want to drop everything and go get this novel right now. Not only because "With loads of derring-do about bloodthirsty pirates, unscrupulous warlords, picaresque whores, incorruptible Sikh security guards and aphrodisiacal minerals, 'Fan-Tan' is nothing if not a ripping yarn," though, of course, that's reason enough to read a book as far as I'm concerned. But the review goes on: "'Fan-Tan' is an old-fashioned potboiler with something for everyone: kinky sex, explosive gunplay, sabotage, high-stakes insect races, betrayal, entirely unexpected bowel movements in unconventional romantic settings and dangerous men who are 'terribly thick of thew.' They sure don't write them like this anymore."

And no, apparently they really don't. Consider this quote from the book, from the mouth of Chinese lady-pirate Madame Lai herself:

"I will take the Chow Fa. I will put a hundred men with naked knives among her fine officers and I will wait behind an island and spring out like a Tiger of the Iron Sea and fire my guns into her belly. I have velly, velly number-one gunners, you will see. I will kill the guards, I will kill the passengers, and I will hang the bowels of her captain from this masthead above you."

As reviewer Joe Queenan says, "Obviously, this can't be identified as good writing - at least not in the narrow, technical sense of the term...." But it sells itself, as far as I'm concerned. I am so getting this book.

And then I'm going to see the Moscow Cats Theater.

( Full text of Fan-Tan review )

( Full text of Moscow Cats Theater article, with a funny picture )

It dawned on me yesterday that I have been a legal adult for a full decade now. This was an astounding revelation. I suppose because I was always a little younger than all the other kids around me, I've always imagined myself something like a precocious fifteen-year-old. And grad school is so infantilizing, I never realized that in my seven years here I was becoming Grown Up.

I'm not really sure what the segue is here, but Z and I decided to make last night Jailbait Night. We started off with Edgeplay: A Film About The Runaways, which Z gave me for my birthday. In honor of these little girls with big rock-n-roll, we invented a delightful drink called the Cherry Bomb, which consists of 151 proof rum, lime juice, and cherry Kool-Aid. Then we watched Reese Witherspoon kick total ass in Freeway. Now, I believe in the principle of non-violence, but if there's gotta be violence, I want to see it unleashed by a sparkly-eyed, bunny-faced, badass young lady. I'm just sayin'.

Speaking of kickass: madame_urushiol has posted an excellent lady pirate in honor of my birthday. Shiver me timbers, indeed.

Moving on, I'd like to thank Bitch Ph.D. for directing me to this cultural specimen (courtesy of Harper's Readings). Apparently, some well-intentioned but utterly daft employees of a New Jersey adult toy store decided to send a gift of 36 vibrators to Iraqi women last October. Harper's has published some of the accompanying letters. Here's a teaser (ha ha):

I hope that when you use this vibrator you realize that Americans do not hate you or your country. We are a kind and loving people who just want everyone to live freely and without oppression.

And here's my favorite letter, which is seriously insane:

Dear Iraqi Woman,

As the bombs and molten death rain unmercifully upon your homeland, know that there are those of us, in various corners of the world, who sympathize with what you are going through.

Although there is very little that I myself can accomplish to stop the invasion of [your] homeland, know that I am helping to send you various sexual toys and well-wishes in a show of solidarity. The Prophet (just like all religious figures) preaches patience, and I believe that your suffering will be short-lived.

Soon your precious oil reserves will be plundered, and our country will no longer be important. A local despot will gain power, and the great cycle will continue. Enjoy your vibrator while you can. When my fellow Americans leave your country, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to enjoy it much longer.

I need to stop laughing and start dissertating now.

This is the second day in a row I have woken up at 4am. At this rate, I'll soon become that enigmatic and not entirely trustworthy creature known as The Morning Person. I'm not sure how I feel about this development.

So, did you see this in the NYTimes? They're publishing Marlon Brando's long-lost pirate novel! And it's about a Chinese lady pirate!



From the article:
After kicking around in various forms for nearly 30 years, the novel is finally being published next month by Alfred A. Knopf, edited by the film historian David Thomson, who also wrote a final chapter and an afterword.

Publishers Weekly has already given "Fan-Tan" - the name of a Chinese game of chance - a starred review, predicting that "enthralled readers will be swinging from the rigging along with the rest of the pirates in this rollicking high-seas saga."

But the novel also offers a singular insight into Brando's fantasy life. "It's more than just a curiosity," Sonny Mehta, the editor in chief of Knopf, insisted in a telephone interview. "Look at the central character. You can see Brando in it."

The hero is a male adventurer named Annie Doultry. Like Brando at the time he wrote it, Annie (from Anatole) is overweight, mischievous, sensual and attracted to Asian women.

It goes on to speculate that Brando gave his protagonist a "woman's name" because he, himself, liked to wear women's clothes. Good times.

Speaking of Marlon, have I mentioned that it was a friend of mine who officially pronounced the overweight, mischievous, sensual and attracted-to-Asian-women actor dead at his LA hospital? It was.